Happy New Years! I pray that all of you had a wonderful Christmas. How many of you either visited family or had family visit you for Christmas? It was great to see them, wasn’t it? But if we are honest, it is also kind of nice that they have gone home. Don’t feel guilty about that: we all love our families, but families can also be hard. That is why we are starting a new message series entitled, “Secrets of Every Happy Family.”
We all come from a family of some sort, although our experience of family can be very diverse. Some come from large families: my mother was one of six kids. Others from small families: my father was just him and his brother. Others are somewhere in between. Maybe most of us came from the so-called traditional family, where Dad worked, Mom took care of the home and the kids (so, in truth she worked twice as hard). Today I think it is probably more common for both parents to work outside the home, especially once the children get older. Then there are the single-parent households, and second-marriage households.
We also have a diversity of where we are in the life of our family. As a single, celibate man, for me my family is my mother and my sisters. For some of the single young adults here, family is something they are looking forward to starting. Then there are those of you who are in the midst of raising your children, and those whose children are already raised and you are learning the role of being a grandparent. And for us who are adults, we also are learning to deal with being adult children to our parents who we now need to care for as their needs become greater.
Our families are the source of most of our happiest memories, but we also know that they can be sources of hurt, anger and frustration. The promise of this series is a big one. We're claiming to talk about the secrets of every happy family. The writer Leo Tolstoy who said, "Every happy family is happy in the same way. Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I am not suggesting to know all of the secrets of every happy family. But for the purpose of this series, we're going to look at three principles that are generally considered universally applicable.
The first principle or secret of a happy family is that they accept the messiness. When it comes to our families, there's this huge gap, huge gap between the ideal and the real. If you look at the Bible, look at the stories of the families in the Old Testament, you can see this very clearly. They were all flawed. There are no perfect people; therefore there are no perfect families.
When it comes to our family members, we naturally have expectations for them. We want their affection and their attention for sure, but we want more than that too. We want their approval. We want their support. And when we don't get it, which happens all the time, we have a choice to make. We can hold their faults and failures against them and start keeping score, or we can extend patience. We can overlook a fault or a failure. We can adjust our expectations. That's a very useful thing to do. Adjusting your expectation.
The second secret of a happy family is that it's marked by mutual respect. This respect begins first and foremost with an appreciation of God's authority. When parents give up their spiritual authority over the family, they open family life up to all manner of conflict and chaos.
Next, it's about the spouses themselves. How you treat your spouse is huge when it comes to the happiness of the family. It all begins with the husband. Guys, how you honor and respect your wife is the rudder of the ship that is your family. So you should hold yourself to a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to disrespect or criticism. Now, disagreement is different. It's inevitable, but it should be dealt with privately, quickly and efficiently. The same, of course, is true for wives. You know, when you put down your husband or criticize him to your friends, those words, that display of disrespect, it will do damage to your family. It will be hurtful to your kids too.
How adult children are treating their parents is also hugely important in the formation of the next generation. Your kids are carefully watching how you're treating your parents.
Third principle or secret to every happy family is a commitment to a larger purpose beyond themselves. The affection of a family bond is not enough to keep a family together because the family is not just about the people in the family. The family is the basic building block of society.
Today is the feast of the Epiphany, a great feast day of the Church, which essentially continues and concludes the season of Christmas. The Magi, or three kings, traveled a great distance, risking all kinds of dangers, and experienced all manners of discomfort to visit a FAMILY – the Holy Family. The destination for their epic journey is this simple single, poor family, Mary Joseph and the child Jesus.
When you think about the stories of the Christmas season that we have been listening to, that we've been celebrating and singing about these past weeks, the center of this splendid story is a family. It's all about a family. Joseph who accepts the role of being the foster father of Jesus under the most unique circumstances and with great courage leads his family through some very difficult and dangerous situations.
Mary who accepts the role of motherhood and shows her own courage, knowing that people will misunderstand and misinterpret her situation. Christmas celebrates the gift of salvation and that gift is given in the context of a family, and the courage of a man and woman to undertake the challenge of family life. God chose to show His own love and care for the world through a family because the family is an image and reflection of God Himself and God's love for us. It's an imperfect reflection for sure, but it is a reflection. Its imperfections in fact and our frustration with its imperfections point to our desire for something more. Our desire for something more that is ultimately the family of God. What God is doing, what God is building is a family of His own, and we get to be a part of it.